Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
