listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
