Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
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I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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