I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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