i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
