I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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