So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
