If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize