ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
