i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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