This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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