he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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