I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
