Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
