Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
