thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
