so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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