I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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