My friends, they love my intelligence
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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