I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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