I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
