Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
