I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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