Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
