Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
