she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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