Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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