Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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