my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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