The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
being pregnant is like rehab
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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