My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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