I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
