sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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