I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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