im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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