I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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