I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
