god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
