I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
