she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
