Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
