I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
