Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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