Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
