nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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