I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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