Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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