So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
