Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
