She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
