Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I faked an abortion last night.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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