summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
