just come out here and I will go home with you...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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