I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
