I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
how do flat chested girls get laid?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
