I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
